Is it possible to have so much contempt bordering on hate for someone who might not even know you exist yet their very existence has so much power over your future? Just woke up from a dream, ok it was more like a nightmare…it has left me depressed and sad. She doesn’t know it but her very existence bears so much weight on my future. Because of her i might not get married or have children or live a happy life. And she doesn’t know it. Its partially her fault, but how would she know it if no one tells her? I live on a constant state of unfullfilment and longing that will never go away as long as she is still in this world, but her existence will never change. She has dug such a huge whole in the part of my life that there is no possible way to remove her. Nothing she can say would release her from being my burden. I’m heart broken because of her. I wish i didn’t have to be so cryptic. I’m finding it hard to express how i feel without giving so much info away. I’m not talking about myself I’m honestly speaking about another woman who dictates the rest of my life if i can’t find it in my heart and soul to let go. That’s my only option…i have to let go of the part of my life that she has a hold on, but that will leave me without my other half of my soul. I’m pretty much just fucked in this situation. Even if she wasn’t in my dream i would still be depressed as i am right now. No matter what i will always only get a portion of what she will get no matter how wonderful a woman i am. I will always be second best. Love is a terrible emotion. Especially when it is involuntary and deep. If i could just find a way to stop loving and let go i could stop the pain. When you love someone what’s left on your heart is not an imprint..its an engraving. Its the most powerful of any possible emotions…bordering on evil if you seriously think about how much control you don’t have. That’s all..done being all secretive now
I swear. Explaining diet and fitness to people who aren’t fitness/healthy people never used to be this difficult before. Maybe the people I’m surrounded by are just EXTREMELY stubborn or just EXTREMELY used to being right about things they honestly know nothing about. Either way…I’m so over it.
So today, I notice my allergies acting up more than normal AND I’m colder than normal. I tell my friend, “ugh..I think I might be getting sick” and she make a joke “well it’s your fault for changing up your diet and eating healthy and working out”. I say “yea sure, but i’m eating more than I ever do before so it has nothing to do with being healthy and I rest a lot”. She preceeds to tell me that food intake “doesn’t matter”. WTF???
Listen. For some reason the women I work with have decided to become healthier. When I say healthier I mean… in the morning they each eat 1 hard boilded egg. At lunch they basically eat another hard boilded egg and a yogurt or salad. And that is the extent to which they eat in a 8-9 hour day. WTF??????? That’s like 200 calories between 7am to 4pm. (that is usually called starving yourself in most health journals).
They are nice girls honestly, but WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY to question what I eat and how healthy I try to when they are starving themselves? They don’t excersize, but they claim they are getting their protein in and eating well. Umm.. WHAT????
At my last job it wasn’t this hard for people to understand that eating nothing wasn’t good for them and that you shouldn’t question what the fuck i do. My goals are far different than yours so shut up!!. My last job I wrote meal plans for people because they knew I knew some of what it is that I am doing. Some in turn actually lost considerable amounts of weight following my plans. Those people were Learners, these people are IDIOTS!! I swear it’s like a daily challenge. I don’t even bring up what I eat or how much I eat or when I train. I don’t mention any of it at all,but regardless they open their mouths and have something to say about things they know nothing about.
I swear..I really do my best not to come out as that bitch, but I swear sometimes people just know exactly what buttons to push to just make me annoyed as all hell.
For years I have been dieting or following a mostly healthy regimine. Sometimes it’s incredibly strict sometimes it’s more lenient. For the past few months I’d say I’ve been eating about 60% Prep clean. So then today, why does my coworker walk into my office and ask me “Hey, do you have any snacks?” First of all I never have snacks, but then she preceeds to say after i kindly said “no, sorry…are you hungry?”
“What are you on some type of health kick?”
WTF??!!??! Some time of “health kick”. Shit this is the same chick who is constantly questioning everything I eat, and constantly rolling her eyes when we start getting into what is healthy for the body and muscle ect, but out of no where calls my thing a “health kick”. NO DAMNIT, I’m doing the same shit I always do just stricter!! This is not something new. Since she has known me (1 year) I am the female bodybuilding in the office who works out too much and eats annoyingly too clean.
Yea it was one little comment, but the way she said it was like i was “uppity”. Like being healthy and NOT having snacks makes me think I”m on some type of fuckin pedestal. I really hate shit like that.
Anyway..off to go do cardio.
I just had to rant about that for a little bit.
I’m a disaster!
In one word I can explain my current circumstances. DISASTER!! I’m all over the place. I’m conflicted and lost and most of the time I just shut it all out so that I don’t see what I am, but I’m getting so tired of closing my mind off to what the issue is…which just happens to be ME.
I’m not where I want to be in my dream phyisique. Not even close. I lack all the disciplines I once held true to. My diet is about 30% if you include the fact that sometimes I will go HOURS without a meal and other times I’m eating foods that I shouldn’t be eating. My training is at about 50%, I should be lifting 6 days a week and cardio 6 days a week. Only good thing is I’m getting back to where I was. There was a time I didnt go to the gym for weeks a couple months ago. I’ve shut myself out from the world of bodybuilding and fitness so I wouldn’t see what others are accomplishing what I’m NOT accomplishing. I’m fighting an uphill battle that my mind created. I understand and know damn well that change in the physique doesn’t happen over night, but there came a time when seeing not much progress after exerting myself just didn’t cut it anymore. I feel like my mind literally said “fuck this!!”
Don’t get me wrong..I NEVER stopped wanting my dream physique, not once, but all the things that kept me going..all those principles I had..left me. I could no longer wake my body up at 4:30am to go train, the idea of being in the gym pissed me off. I found excuses, “It’s too busy”, “there are no machines”, “i’m tired”, “I’m sore”, “I have no one to train me”, “there aren’t enough fbb shows” flooded my mind for months. I lost ALL my principles..everything that would guarantee that I would attain my dream physique. In other words…I was mentally broken. I still am technically. Somehow, somewhere I decided this was too hard, but it’s not. That’s just ME in my subconcious sabotaging myself. It’s left my devastated knowing that I am the reason for this block.
It absolutely does not help that everywhere I look to try to motivate myself by finding an end goal, there seems to be another show that will not honor female bodybuilding. IT FUCKING SUCKS!! I live in Cali this is the state where you would think you would find a ton of shows honoring all physiques….WRONG!! I think last I checked there were only 2 local shows that I could shoot for..and they are in San Diego and Culver City at the beginning of Fall/End of Summer.
I NEED a goal..finding one is difficult as hell. I NEED a motivator. I NEED discipline…I NEED SOMETHING!!!. I’ve never been one to be envious of anyone, but maybe if I were then maybe I would become successful.
For years I’ve known competitors who were so in tune with their bodies that they could easily identify each food and how it makes their body feel, how it improves or effects performance and how it helps their body. I’ve always envied these people. If I knew my body well enough to know EXACTLY what I needed to do to get more muscle or lose fat efficiently or how it can improve my strength and cardiovascular in the gym that would be AMAZING. Unfortunately even now after 2.5 years of trying to attain my dream physique I’m still struggling in identifying my body’s needs.
The good thing is…I’m progressing. Just the other day after never noticing it before I get a very common reaction after eating a meal. It only then hit me. I only get this reaction from my body when I’m eating certain foods. Grains!! My stomach hurt like no other and after only eating the sandwich within 10 minutes I noticed that my body felt sluggish immediately. I hadn’t had any carbs all day and that was the first time that day I really honed in on what was going on. No I don’t think I have celiac disease, but I do think that I have an intolerance to gluten.
I’m a first generation African American. Both my parents are from Nigeria and I still have a large amount of cousins, aunts and uncles still living their. Their natural diet is meat and fruit and some veggies. Grains is almost non existent or in a gluten-less form. As with most foreign countries rice is a staple food. Rice has no effect on my body negatively (unless I eat them in portions of 1 cup or more), but grains in general cause negative reactions in my body.
Once upon a time I was drawn to a specific diet that I found interesting. Of course at the time I was in the middle of my 1st prep in 2011 and I just thought it was interesting, didn’t pay it any mind. Well now based on my findings I’m beginning to think there is some truth to this diet. It’s call the Blood Type diet. It explains how based on your blood type and origin that you respond better to certain foods. Because I’m African and I have a blood type of O, I respond very well to meat, fruits and some veggies and horribly to grains other than gluten free grains like rice.
The plan now that I found all of this out?? For the next week..I’m going gluten free (or Paleo as some call it). I’m going to steer completely clear of grains that I can’t have as well as the processed foods that use them. Plain and simple. I want to see what my body does, how it feels..how it performs.
What I find ironic is that as a female bodybuilder protein is essential. What I think is hilarious is that gluten is essentially plant/grain protein. My body needs protein, but rejects plant proteins. HA HA HA. I’m truly a carnivore. I guess bodybuilding and building mass amounts of muscle was REALLY what I was meant to do 🙂 🙂
When it comes to relationships I’ve always told myself one thing ” I would rather be wanted than to be needed”.
I only want to be needed by my children, but as a partner as a love interested I want you to WANT me to be in your life emotionally, sexually, ect. I want to be the best friend, the lover, I want to be the last thing you think of at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. I want the mere thought of me to bring a smile to your face. Now that’s not saying that we won’t fight or have relationship problems, but I want to be chosen.
On that note…I want to be wanted sexually. I strive to attain this physique for me and no one else, but it helps when your lover wants your physique and finds you as sexy as you find yourself. The past few weeks I’ve been battling with the fact that there are just very very very limited men who are normal who are interested in a woman with muscle. Sure it is my belief that most men have some secret muscle desire, but honestly there are very very few men who actually desire female muscle and aren’t creepy perverts. I’m very picky with who I talk to or date. It’s much too difficult to find a normal guy who finds you and your muscle sexy and doesn’t want to do some muscle/strength worship thing with you. I’m human. I want someone who is sexually attracted to my muscle, sexually attracted to my personality, and sexually attracted to my mind. I want to be with someone who finds me sexy when I’m beating his ass in video games, and a man who finds me sexy when I just came back from the gym and my body looks abnormally muscular because of the pump I just got from lifting, but I also want someone who thinks I’m sexy while I’m cleaning, and reading and being goofy.
Sad truth is, apparently I’m asking for too much. I thought I had found men who fit my criteria (well at least the muscle lover criteria), but although there are men who love big/heavy set women and men who love very thin/big boobs women, I guess it’s just nearly impossible to find a man who loves muscle and isn’t a creep or says they love female muscle, but in reality they aren’t really specific in actually loving female muscle. I suffered a set back when a couple weeks ago I realized that men like this almost don’t exist. It made me feel that I would never find that special someone. Totally sucks
That doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on my muscle. I have a muscle lust of my own. I find myself sexier and more appealing when I have more muscle. That will never cease. I either have to pray for my guy to come..or I’ll just have to suffer through it and realize that being alone just might be what I’m burdened with. Which is tough, because anyone who really knows me..knows I LOVE being around that one special someone. I’ma hopeless (hopeless being the key word) romantic.
That’s pretty much the deal. I’m slipping. After the first 8 weeks of this prep..I lost my guidance, my support, myself. I was working with a friend who put together my diet and some of my training, but she was pretty much about herself and didn’t actually believe in me at all and became completely unreliable..so..she is out of the picture. Support? Like I’ve mentioned…I’m a private person who has few close friends. Those people know me ..those people were people I shared everything with..especially my muscle love, bodybuilding…my desires. Honestly….they are gone too. I don’t want to waste the time sharing things with people who I don’t think really give a fuck. Which now leads me to a loss of me. My drive is missing. Completely. When I shut those other people out…I lost my outlet…so my desires became lost. Of course I will never stop wanting muscle or to get bigger and leaner, but my subconscious drive is gone. So gone I can barely get myself to get up at 5 am anymore to train. Absolutely sleep through my alarm. My diet is not where it should be. Not eating enough, not eating clean enough…just not acceptable…its really starting to depress me that I can’t snap back into it. I have no one else..I have no other goals..i can’t lose that which is me. I NEED me back asap. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m better than this
I’m just going to put it out there. It is my blog after all.
For the last 2 years I’ve felt like I’ve been in a whirlwind. At a point in my life when I pretty much thought I would be alone and had accepted that that was my fate. I met someone. Someone who literally renewed new life in me. Someone who introduced me to the love and drive of my life. This person was responsible for my introduction to bodybuilding. Without even a second thought I fell hard for this person. So hard it blinded me to everything that person was. I’m a very logical analytical person. Though I was blind I constantly analyzed this feeling of love. IT WAS TRUE. Daily I seeked to see if it was truly any different than loving people in the past. And everytime I questioned it God gave me reassurance like I’ve never felt or read about. This was TRUE!
I was surprised. My eyes were open. Things I had never wanted before in my life constantly filled my mind. Marriage, a house, finishing college, having children….HAVING CHILDREN. I had told myself long ago that I would NEVER have children. I would never get the joy of carrying my own child in my body, raising it, watching it grow into a person that I influence. I knew that was never my fate…until this person. Involuntarily I began to want things. I even became closer to God. I spoke to Him more frequently, I felt more and more sure of all movements in my life. This person brought me God. He wouldn’t lie to me, He wouldn’t make me feel all these amazing emotions and GIVE me the knowledge deep in my heart that this person was made for me. I never voluntarily gave my heart away, but I knew the second it was gone that there was nothing left for anyone else. Other men, other men became nothing but people. I lost all connection, they didnt resonate in my mind. I wanted, needed, loved no one else more than I have ever loved a person. This person was my other half. The part in me I had been missing. When he texted me, or called me…It fueled my whole day. I was a walking sunshine just because I knew him. He gave me a reason to believe that I could be a anything. That if my life had ended at any moment..that I would be at peace because I had met the one made for me. And that’s all I had been waiting for. He made me realize I COULD be a mother.
A mother…to someone. That I could have his children. When I first experienced this feeling I finally understood what a precious thing it was. For ME to bring a life into this world. A life that he and I would in the future create because of the love we have for God and each other. I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life
So to say that now….now that it’s over…now that I’ve been pushed aside… is heartbreak…wouldn’t begin to describe what I’ve LOST!.
I lost the one perfect feeling I have ever felt in my life!! The belief that one day I would be a mother is gone. Taken from me. The only thing that keeps me breathing is bodybuilding…without that…I would be nothing.
So if you’re wondering where my anger comes from, where my depression comes from…it’s because I’m not who I used to be. I’ve been crushed. I’ve been stolen from. I’ve been lied to….
It’s sad to say…but I’ve been lied to by God. 😦
Pain changes people
it rips its way inside of you and destroys what was there.
This pain is honestly none like I’ve ever felt
I’ve been physically injured and cut open, but THIS
this feeling isn’t normal. It isn’t safe. It’s not controllable
This pain is the birth of violence, it is the beginning of nothing good
this pain is never ending. It burns continuously within your heart, your soul
I can feel it now, coursing its way up above my heart finding its resting place in the center of my chest
It’s taken hold on what I thought I used to be
I can not promise that I will control her..or that I will even try to stop her
she is a force of her own
I’ve never felt so broken in my entire life
Pain like this should not exist
The pieces of my heart are hardening with every second
becoming no more than solid rock
I clutch my chest to try to save it knowing that it was gone all along
not only did you take it..but even the space that it used to fill is becoming black with the tar you left behind
Pieces of me that I once knew are gone..stolen
I’m staring at you, shaking you, screaming at you
praying that some of those words will penetrate something in you
that you will see me. that you will finally hear the words I’ve been trying to tell you,
but no matter how hard I fight, how hard to try to keep faith you don’t hear or see me
Because of you I question His existence
He would never lie to me, so then why am I hear torn, broken, lost?
Its because of you, because no matter what I say..you will NEVER hear me
NEVER see me.
I’m here with a pain I can’t even begin to explain
The only word I have for it is shattered
I will never get back the parts of me you ruined
I will never be me again.
All be cause you CHOSE to ignore that which is me
which is perfect
which was perfect…for you.