Category Archives: Bodybuilding Life

Ok….I’m Back!!

So I’ve been MIA for a long while.. Why?  Well this is a blog about me pursuing bodybuilding or at least looking like a bodybuilder. I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs which hasn’t made doing what i need to do easy. Work has stressed me out, I was emotionally and mentally not ready for dieting and training, I’m lazy and I hate dieting cause food tastes so good and I hate where i live. BTW Northern Cali has like NO good gyms and the one near me is just so crowded and the ambiance sucks too. Every time I walk into that damn gym I swear I’m instantly pissed.  Not to mention the cost of living here is ridiculous…like WTF. I can’t afford to eat the way I need to eat when most of my money is going to rent. So wrap all that shit together and you get me…or what I have been dealing with for the past year. Struggling to get my mind right when obstacles (of my own control and not of my own control) decide to get in my way. Well. I’m done with that shit now.  I’m ready to do what I need to do.

In a year I will be 30…and I would have not accomplished my dream of attaining my dream physique. That would piss me the hell off if I went through not just another birthday, but a huge milestone having not accomplished anything by the age of 30.  So…I have a 1-2 year plan for myself. Not just with bodybuilding,but with life. Hopefully in about 6 months or so I will be moving out of this expensive hole to somewhere warmer and more my speed. With better gyms, less cost of living and the ability to go back to school and get my RN and ya never know…maybe take another step with my relationship status :).

So with all that said. I’m training regularly, waking up at 4:45am in the morning..trecking my tired ass to the gym and training and I’m dieting. It’s kind of strict right now…which makes me nervous cause it will make it difficult later on down the road to fight off plateaus when they come because there aren’t that many options that allows for tightening up an already tight diet. But oh well….i really don’t want to consume in order to make this work i’m just going to have to quickly introduce some healthy fats in my diet…because an only Protein diet is tough and can be counterproductive..lmao

So here goes…I’m at it again. It’s been 11 days…i’m fucking tired and worn out….but I have to keep going…cause 30 comes too soon.


I Don’t want to be that Envious Fan

I’m a disaster!

In one word I can explain my current circumstances. DISASTER!! I’m all over the place. I’m conflicted and lost and most of the time I just shut it all out so that I don’t see what I am, but I’m getting so tired of closing my mind off to what the issue is…which just happens to be ME.

I’m not where I want to be in my dream phyisique. Not even close. I lack all the disciplines I once held true to. My diet is about 30% if you include the fact that sometimes I will go HOURS without a meal and other times I’m eating foods that I shouldn’t be eating. My training is at about 50%, I should be lifting 6 days a week and cardio 6 days a week. Only good thing is I’m getting back to where I was. There was a time I didnt go to the gym for weeks a couple months ago.  I’ve shut myself out from the world of bodybuilding and fitness so I wouldn’t see what others are accomplishing what I’m NOT accomplishing.  I’m fighting an uphill battle that my mind created. I understand and know damn well that change in the physique doesn’t happen over night, but there came a time when seeing not much progress after exerting myself just didn’t cut it anymore. I feel like my mind literally said “fuck this!!”

Don’t get me wrong..I NEVER stopped wanting my dream physique, not once, but all the things that kept me going..all those principles I had..left me. I could no longer wake my body up at 4:30am to go train, the idea of being in the gym pissed me off. I found excuses, “It’s too busy”, “there are no machines”, “i’m tired”, “I’m sore”, “I have no one to train me”, “there aren’t enough fbb shows” flooded my mind for months. I lost ALL my principles..everything that would guarantee that I would attain my dream physique. In other words…I was mentally broken. I still am technically. Somehow, somewhere I decided this was too hard, but it’s not. That’s just ME in my subconcious sabotaging myself. It’s left my devastated knowing that I am the reason for this block.

It absolutely does not help that everywhere I look to try to motivate myself by finding an end goal, there seems to be another show that will not honor female bodybuilding. IT FUCKING SUCKS!! I live in Cali this is the state where you would think you would find a ton of shows honoring all physiques….WRONG!! I think last I checked there were only 2 local shows that I could shoot for..and they are in San Diego and Culver City at the beginning of Fall/End of Summer.

I NEED  a goal..finding one is difficult as hell. I NEED a motivator.  I NEED discipline…I NEED SOMETHING!!!. I’ve never been one to be envious of anyone, but maybe if I were then maybe I would become successful.

I NEED to be on this stage (USA Championships 2013)

I NEED to be on this stage (USA Championships 2013)

Gluten is my enemy

For years I’ve known competitors who were so in tune with their bodies that they could easily identify each food and how it makes their body feel, how it improves or effects performance and how it helps their body. I’ve always envied these people. If I knew my body well enough to know EXACTLY what I needed to do to get more muscle or lose fat efficiently or how it can improve my strength and cardiovascular in the gym that would be AMAZING.  Unfortunately even now after 2.5 years of trying to attain my dream physique I’m still struggling in identifying my body’s needs.

The good thing is…I’m progressing. Just the other day after never noticing it before I get a very common reaction after eating a meal. It only then hit me. I only get this reaction from my body when I’m eating certain foods. Grains!! My stomach hurt like no other and after only eating the sandwich within 10 minutes I noticed that my body felt sluggish immediately. I hadn’t had any carbs all day and that was the first time that day I really honed in on what was going on. No I don’t think I have celiac disease, but I do think that I have an intolerance to gluten.

I’m a first generation African American. Both my parents are from Nigeria and I still have a large amount of cousins, aunts and uncles still living their. Their natural diet is meat and fruit and some veggies. Grains is almost non existent or in a gluten-less form. As with most foreign countries rice is a staple food. Rice has no effect on my body negatively (unless I eat them in portions of 1 cup or more), but grains in general cause negative reactions in my body.

Once upon a time I was drawn to a specific diet that I found interesting. Of course at the time I was in the middle of my 1st prep in 2011 and I just thought it was interesting, didn’t pay it any mind. Well now based on my findings I’m beginning to think there is some truth to this diet. It’s call the Blood Type diet. It explains how based on your blood type and origin that you respond better to certain foods. Because I’m African and I have a blood type of O, I respond very well to meat, fruits and some veggies and horribly to grains other than gluten free grains like rice.

The plan now that I found all of this out?? For the next week..I’m going gluten free (or Paleo as some call it). I’m going to steer completely clear of grains that I can’t have as well as the processed foods that use them. Plain and simple. I want to see what my body does, how it it performs.

What I find ironic is that as a female bodybuilder protein is essential. What I think is hilarious is that gluten is essentially plant/grain protein. My body needs protein, but rejects plant proteins. HA HA HA.  I’m truly a carnivore. I guess bodybuilding and building mass amounts of muscle was REALLY what I was meant to do 🙂 🙂

I’m not sure I’ll ever understand

When it comes to relationships I’ve always told myself one thing ” I would rather be wanted than to be needed”.

I only want to be needed by my children, but as a partner as a love interested I want you to WANT me to be in your life emotionally, sexually, ect.  I want to be the best friend, the lover, I want to be the last thing you think of at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. I want the mere thought of me to bring a smile to your face. Now that’s not saying that we won’t fight or have relationship problems, but I want to be chosen.

On that note…I want to be wanted sexually. I strive to attain this physique for me and no one else, but it helps when your lover wants your physique and finds you as sexy as you find yourself. The past few weeks I’ve been battling with the fact that there are just very very very limited men who are normal who are interested in a woman with muscle.  Sure it is my belief that most men have some secret muscle desire, but honestly there are very very few men who actually desire female muscle and aren’t creepy perverts. I’m very picky with who I talk to or date. It’s much too difficult to find a normal guy who finds you and your muscle sexy and doesn’t want to do some muscle/strength worship thing with you. I’m human. I want someone who is sexually attracted to my muscle, sexually attracted to my personality, and sexually attracted to my mind. I want to be with someone who finds me sexy when I’m beating his ass in video games, and a man who finds me sexy when I just came back from the gym and my body looks abnormally muscular because of the pump I just got from lifting, but I also want someone who thinks I’m sexy while I’m cleaning, and reading and being goofy.

Sad truth is, apparently I’m asking for too much. I thought I had found men who fit my criteria (well at least the muscle lover criteria), but although there are men who love big/heavy set women and men who love very thin/big boobs women, I guess it’s just nearly impossible to find a man who loves muscle and isn’t a creep or says they love female muscle, but in reality they aren’t really specific in actually loving female muscle. I suffered a set back when a couple weeks ago I realized that men like this almost don’t exist.  It made me feel that I would never find that special someone. Totally sucks

That doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on my muscle. I have a muscle lust of my own. I find myself sexier and more appealing when I have more muscle. That will never cease. I either have to pray for my guy to come..or I’ll just have to suffer through it and realize that being alone just might be what I’m burdened with. Which is tough, because anyone who really knows me..knows I LOVE being around that one special someone. I’ma hopeless (hopeless being the key word) romantic.


Hard lessons cause change

So yea…I will NEVER EVER do that again.

I was already having a tough day today. Didn’t take my medicine this morning cause I’m trying to take 2 days off from training. I REALLY need to train in the morning or I’m a disaster for the rest of the day. If it isn’t obvious by “medicine” is training. Without my medicine I was groggy and sluggish, easily annoyed and not as vibrant. Screw this “off two days a week” bull shit. I need to train every morning!!!!

Also because I totally sucked today..I failed to drink enough water. Let me tell you. BAD IDEA!! I was fine without the water. Hell before bodybuilding I barely drank water. It never occurred to me how very important it is to have my water. Yes..I know the rules behind why you need to stay hydrated, but just because you know doesn’t mean you understand.

Today after work I attempted to do my 40 min of cardio on the step mill. Don’t  worry..I did it, but it was the toughest thing I have done in a while. I could barely maintain a 2 speed because my heart was pumping like crazy. I was sweating so hard and breathing so hard you would think I had 50lbs more fat on me and was a smoker. It was the worst feeling. And now that the weather is getting warmer I’m going to REALLY need to stay hydrated.

So yea…fuck that shit…I need to end this stupidity and learn from what happened today. So…here are my rules:

Rule 1: Train in the morning daily. Doesn’t matter how much I want to stay curled up in bed and sleep…I need my medicine!!!

Rule 2: Drink Drink Drink!! Water is going to make EVERYTHING better…so I need to drink it no matter what.

Ok..that’s it. Now I must take my mandatory nap. Without sleep..I can’t grow 😉

My own best friend

So…to state the obvious…I’m a very private person.

I don’t write this blog for anyone else, but myself.  i do it so that I can look back on my progress as a person, as a competitor, as an athlete of sorts and see how far I’ve come. Me being a private person I don’t share MYSELF with many people. Through my life I’ve always had friends and acquaintances  but never anymore than one “person” at one time. I have a hard time fully connecting with people. I have high expectations on what I think a true friend should be. Most people either don’t fit my expectations or don’t fit ME. Your “person” (as they say in Grey’s Anatomy) is your BEST friend. The person you share your deepest and darkest desires, thoughts, obsessions, passions with and never have to fear judgement. In other words..they are the best you. They are the other connecting puzzle piece to your edges.  Everyone needs a “person”. Someone to be there when they have horrible days and someone to be there when they just want to share anything with.

Probably dozens and dozens of times through the course of a day I find myself picking up my phone to see if my person has texted me or just to text my person about a thought I had. You can’t have a one-sided best friendship. Your person has to at least care about you almost the same way you care about them. If I have a happy moment..or an exciting thought..I would want my person to be happy for me too. FOR ME!! Well…I need to start being my own person now. Lately I’ve felt as though my joys are not my person’s joys…that my person isn’t genuinely happy or excited about the things I’m excited about. Which has left me feeling…useless. Yes..I know. It’s completely pathetic for one person to be able to crush me or make me feel less of a person, but it’s not something I can control. EVERYONE needs a “person”.  So…from now on THIS BLOG..will be my “person”. Of course it will still only be bodybuilding/fitness, good thing is…that’s basically all I have to talk it works in my favor. From now on I need to be my own cheerleader. I’m going to be posting a ton of mini posts…things I’m excited about. Because I NEED someone to talk to ..and although I’m not exactly writing to someone who will give me a least I’m writing to someone I know will be as excited as I am. So I’m writing to myself.

So with that done….time for my first mini post….

So as we’ve already cleared several (many) posts ago..I’m terrified of the Step Mill. I haven’t done the stepmill in over a year.  It scared the hell out of me then..and it scares the hell out of me still. And since I haven’t been on in over a year…that fear is still there. Only good thing is…I know I was able to conquer it before…so I know I can conquer it now.

So today for my 40 min cardio session after work…I got on that step mill and didn’t get off for 40 min. I even upped the speed to a level 3 for 15 min. EEK!! that was scary at first..especially cause I was reading my kindle..but I did it. yay!!! Tomorrow it will be another 40 min..probably faster this time, but next time I’m going to bring my water..cause I was DYING up

I’m proud of myself for finally doing that again. I’m so I’m scared of the smallest and most simplest of things sometimes.



I often get the question a lot about why I’m so dedicated to bodybuilding. Some even tell me my desires are too much, too strict, to isolating. Honestly I don’t care what people have to say about what I think, my goals or how I feel about my goals. It’s none of their business. Tonight I had the sudden urge to go train. Aggression poured over me. And when I’m angry I either tend to want to break things…or I need to lift something heavy. I need to lift something heavy, because right now breaking things…is not ok.

One of the reasons I’m so strict about this goal is because it’s my only option. It soothes  me. It’s the only time I’m truly at ease and content. On a daily basis emotionally my heart is in intense pain. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and heartbreak is all over my face. I’m a broken woman. The only time I don’t feel that emotional pain, or the betrayal is when I’m lifting..when I’m being aggressive by picking up heavy things and putting them down. Problem is..I can’t be in the gym 24/7…THAT would be too much.

My passion is fueled by anger, pain, vengeance, but it’s my medicine. It makes me a better person, it helps release the stress. No i’m not saying i’m grateful for the people who cause me the pain I feel…HELL NO. I’m just grateful that I have something that brings me joy and can turn everything around.

This goal…this desire I have for bodybuilding and lifting…saves me daily.

New Ideas

So as we already know, I’m addicted to getting more muscle, getting bigger…being huge…blah blah blah. So I’m always looking for new lifts that I TRUST that can get me that extra size that I desire. Recently I’ve just been sticking to the basics like Bench Press, Curls, Squats, Rows…all the usual lifts. I haven’t been venturing out of the tried and true methods that I know gains size and I know gains size on me.

Recently I’ve been getting a few new ideas on size growth from a friend of mine who I follow on instagram, facebook, twitter.. etc. Bobby Ashhurst is AWESOME!! I’m serious. Why?? He totally just is. I first witnessed his awesomeness when I was in Phoenix with my Bodybuilding coach about 2 years ago. We ventured to a gym in Scottsdale so he could show me posing. It just so happened that this gym, Independence Gym, had a very awesome posing room, including lights and a mock stage and mirrors. It was pretty much the dream posing room.  The day I saw Bobby for the first time he wasn’t a NPC Physique Pro yet, Physique had just started and he was there…posing. It was a posing seminar including all competitors, but it says a lot when out of 30 people you recognize and notice only one person. That day I never knew his name, but he stood out enough to me that when I saw him again…I knew him immediately.

So anyway..back to why Bobby is awesome.

Recently he put up a post on his instagram about Spider Curls..and the benefit and how they add size to the biceps. Before then I had only done them once and totally didn’t understand the benefit. Since he posted it…I’ve been doing them every time I’ve done biceps (twice a week)…I’m totally excited!! Measuring my biceps, they haven”t grown, but honestly they are far more dense than they used to be…which is amazing in this short amount of time since my arms haven’t shrunk past the 18.5″ they are when flexed. (I’m not a fan of losing THIS to the best thing that could happen). So…it’s totally working!!!

Bobby Ashhurst - Reverse Spider Curls

Bobby Ashhurst – Reverse Spider Curls

Last night the genius Bobby posted another lift (“Exercise of the Day”) on his instagram page and once again pointed out the benefits to how it is more productive and can aid in quicker, more sculpted muscle gain. Reverse Grip Bench. What sold me on this lift??? “This exercise is actually a superior movement than incline bench for upper pec development. There is a 30% increase in muscle fiber activity for this movement vs only a 5% increase with incline bench press.” THAT…THAT right there. I basically perform 2:1 on Incline bench as to opposed to the other bench presses.  That Incline Bench lift is my dream come true, but THIS..the Reverse Grip Bench…will become my newest most favorite lift EVER!! I totally trust in Bobby’s expertise and look forward to trying this lift on my next chest day.

Bobby Ashhurst - Reverse Grip Bench

Bobby Ashhurst – Reverse Grip Bench

Anyway…if you don’t know who he is already. Find him, follow him..I totally think he is a genius!!!

twitter: @Bobby_ Ashhurst


Totally excited to GROW!!

Price you Pay

So…I cheated on my diet yesterday. 😦

And all morning I’ve felt like shit. It’s my own damn fault. Yesterday I had some ice cream. Sure it wasn’t a lot in quantity, but OMG…apparently it did horrible things to my system. My body totally did not like it at all!! And to make matters worse I know I’m lactose intolerant, but I so wanted that ice cream!! I felt full the second I woke up. I swear I didn’t train as well as I should have because I didn’t have my pre-workout meal. AND…I was still so full after training that I didn’t have my post-workout protein shake. I’m causing my body damage. Sure it might not seem like much, but every little thing makes a difference. EVERY..LITTLE..THING…

The thing I have to remember, or anyone who is a competitor or someone just trying to get in shape, is you MUST remember the few moments of pure pleasure from that deliciously fatty food you crave so bad is so not worth it. I would rather wake up in the morning with abs, have dense hard muscle with limited fat on my body ALL DAY LONG in the long run, than to only have a few moments of pleasure. It’s so NOT WORTH IT. Sure in that moment when you’re craving that food you KNOW you’re not supposed to takes all the mental capacity to tell yourself NO. You make up all kinds of excuses like “I’ve been so good on my diet”, “I’ve worked so hard” , “it’s only going to be one cheat food…it can’t hurt”, but the problem does hurt!! It’s so much more difficult to be strict on your diet when you just got away with having some bad food.

Personally I’m not sure how other competitors who are allowed cheat meals during prep are able to cope. On one had the pro to having a cheat meal once a week during prep is that you look forward to that one meal where you can have whatever you want so you make sure that throughout the week you stay strict with your diet, you try hard to make it to that prize. On the other hand, once you have that’s almost like you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN on your diet. It was already hard to start the first time, but now you have to reset and not let the cravings get to you.

From my experience when you start a diet and you eat clean for about 3 weeks most of the cravings don’t have that need to stop and buy a bag of chips, cause you don’t want it. So I imagine…having a cheat meal during the week…and then when it’s over…I would have to fight the urge to do it again. I would be such a failure if I were allowed cheat meals 😦

So anyway…now I’m paying the price. I don’t want to cheat…it’s horrible for me because it makes me feel unaccomplished. I have too much ground to cover in my diet and training and developing this dream physique to waste it on minutes of horrible processed food. I just need to keep my mind in check.

I just need to keep my mind in check and I will succeed.

The Nerve!!!

For the past few days I’ve had to deal with people who “think” they know what’s right for me and what I “should” be doing. I”m so over it. 1. If you’re not a competitor or you’re not used to a fitness lifestyle Shut The Fuck Up!! 2. If you’re some “fan” or “admirer” (as one of of the people I’m about to rant about seem to prefer) and you know jack shit about me…Shut the Fuck Up!!

(sorry for the use of language..but I’m just over the bull shit)

A friend at work who recently started to “try to get fit” in the last few days has been expressing extreme concern for my health because of my lifestyle. He thinks its unhealthy for me to be doing bodybuilding because “what kind of life is it if you go to the gym twice a day and you can’t eat junk food”. Apparently it seems as though eating junk food, partying on the weekends and sitting on my fat ass is healthier than what I’m doing. That’s the problem with “normal people” they don’t get how someone could be completely content with having their health be the MOST important thing in their lives. Fuck that!! Since I’ve been pursing bodybuilding I haven’t been sick for 3 years, until recently when my allergies flared up and I ended up getting sick. I eat clean food day in and day out and I have a healthy fitness regimen that keeps me sane and that actually relieves my stresses. What the fuck is so wrong with that??? Every day he stresses more and more concern and frankly I’m so over hearing the bullshit. It’s my life and I’m living it healthy as opposed to what most of America is doing. If I decide that I would rather stay home on a Saturday night to rest my body because of the exercise I put it through…or I decide that eating junk food will do nothing good for me….then that’s my choice.  I will be the one making those decisions. THIS is why if you’re a female bodybuilder you NEVER discuss what you do, what you eat with anyone who isn’t a competitor or familiar with this world. THEY JUST DON’T GET IT!!

On to the next….

Today via Facebook message. I was approached by a moderator of some female muscle fan group. He started by saying “Was looking at your pic on the site and reminded of your hard work. Your site seems to be kinda locked off…I don’t see any new pics of you on it? How’s your progress going…? I see you have 3595 followers, wow! Wondering why your not fulfilling their expectations with more communication from you and pics of your step by step efforts?”

I very kindly thanked him for his words and told him that my Facebook page is my personal page. I have yet to accomplish anything that would warrant a fan page and yes, my page is private because I choose it to be. Then I told him I really appreciated his interest in my progress, but as a competitor I want to focus my efforts on my contest prep without outside interference or distraction. If I want to put up a picture I will, but I think its wise that I don’t and so does my coach. He then went on to ask me “how big do you want to get?” I totally ignored that question. It is a constant question I get from men who get off on the idea of a woman being big and muscular. He then said: “Personally I can’t agree with your coach. Any body goal is easier with a support team including muscle mass building. Perhaps looking at them as ‘fans’ is the troubling point. I find ‘admirers’ keeps you grounded and more equal and noticing them as individuals. A better word for the bodybuilding culture than ‘fans’.”

I continued to stay nice and try to stay humble and just think “he is just trying to be nice…”. He didn’t seem to be grasping my point. I’m a private person. bodybuilding is for me and me only. If people want to follow my journey..go for it, but I’m not doing it to get a ton of followers. I’m not going to post pictures to appease the “admirers” that’s not what I’m about. (I promise…I said this to him nicely..the bitch did not come He completely ignored my last statement and preceded to ask me how tall I was and how much I weighed. And that he is so excited that I want to get bigger..and just kept on with “suggesting” that I need to post pictures on my page and make it less private…blah blah blah. I stopped messaging him back after that. it’s classic “muscle fan boy” questions. And I have no time to entertain questions from someone who presented himself as a professional person and ended up just asking pervy questions.

Muscle Fan Boy = A man who doesn’t care about what it takes to become a female bodybuilder, they just get off on the muscle of a woman. Most have no idea about diet or training and don’t care to learn about it..only want to view it for sexual pleasures (my definition)

I have no time for that shit. Bodybuilding is FOR ME. I don’t care what others have to say about my diet or training..or my lifestyle.  I don’t care if my “admirers” want to see more muscle pics from me and if you think I should take more pictures. FUCK THAT..I’m not some damn porn star and just because you don’t agree with my dedication to my health doesn’t mean I should give a shit. The only reason why I’m writing about this is because I’m over hearing about it.

Bodybuilding is FOR ME!! And anyone who doesn’t have anything supportive to say or doesn’t understand where I’m coming from can go kick rocks!!