Ok, well maybe it has a little to do with bodybuilding…maybe just a little..lmao.
So I’m excited and annoyed all at the same time. I’m tired of feeling this way. This stress is not healthy and it’s not a good feeling and I’m damn tired of it.
So very soon, within the next few weeks I will be embarking on a new journey in my life, professionally. I will be starting my career in Nursing school to be an LVN/LPN and then later on becoming an RN. I’m very excited about this part. The program is a 53 week accelerated program that will cost damn near $30,000 to become an LVN. At this point I’m not too concerned with the money part (anymore)…I’ll just do whatever I need to to get that money. I’ve already applied for FAFSA and I’m sure if I can’t get enough from grants and scholarships that I can at least get enough in student loans (lower interest rate than regular loans) especially since nursing is in high demand in the area I live/will live. And I’m also excited to be moving from where I currently live and actually be able to finally afford to live there. Where I live now is stupid expensive…a very large portion of my income goes to rent…and I think it’s fuckin ridiculous. Where I’m moving to is about 40%-50% cheaper for rent..and that excites me. What also excites me is my future. Nursing is a very high paying occupation where I live..so they make some pretty good money..and the best part is that…I actually WANT to become a nurse. I’m not sure what took me so long, a part of me always felt that as soon as I dropped out of college when I was in the Accounting program that that was it for me. The thought of furthering my education was too stressful a thought because all I kept thinking about was how I failed. So 9 years later…I guess I’m finally past that mental block and I’m SOOOOO READY to move forward.
Now on to things I’m not excited about.
There seems to be something always standing in the way of my plan..whether it be people…circumstances…etc. I found an apartment….I’m ready to move, I’m ready to start school, I’m ready to learn and become the best nurse possible, but there are always these factors that are really starting to push my buttons. The program I’m enrolling into starts in July 2015….my advisor told me that they will start the enrollment process in March and that I shouldn’t do anything (apply for student aid), until I meet with her again so we can do it together. Well it’s now March 11th, for 2 weeks prior to this current week I emailed her regarding setting up an appointment and for 2 weeks I got no response. Finally she responds by telling me that she was out of the office and that the enrollment period hasn’t started yet and that she will contact me when it does. That answer does not satisfy me. When I met with her in Oct 2014 she said March 2015…..so instead of waiting for her I applied for financial aid anyway. $30,000 is a lot of money to come up with and I’m not going to wait till the last minute to try to get that money…cause I don’t have it. I’m not rich, so it only makes sense to me to get it early, just as every article I’ve read about regarding student financial aid says to do…. “START EARLY”.
There are other factors that are stressing me out and not making this an enjoyable process, but to talk about them just further stresses me out. Why can’t everyone just be on the same page as me? I’m tired of doing things for EVERYONE ELSE…It’s time for me to do what’s best for me…for my future…for my livelihood and my future children, my future husband. And anyone who isn’t on my train can just get off. I’m tired of living this mediocre lifestyle…I’m not about this life. I want to do something with my life that is something that I WANT to do, something that will keep me from living paycheck to paycheck, something that I find valuable, something that will help my spouse be able to pursue his dreams the way he is helping me pursue mine.
I’m over waiting for everyone else. I’m over others trying to change my plans….it’s frustrating to think others aren’t on my same page. Yea, the issue with my adviser is just that she doesn’t know how to communicate properly. Instead of telling someone who you know started this process in July 2014 “I will contact you when the enrollment period for that session starts”, how about you just tell me “The enrollment period for that session starts such and such date”…that would be so much more satisfying…instead of leaving me in the dark? But for my other issues….those other factors…they just need to get in line at this point. I’m not just doing this for me….I’m doing this for everyone I love who will benefit from my making this step. Anything that tries to step in my way…or hinder my plans is being counterproductive..and I’m tired of taking a back seat to my own life. It’s a waste.
I need to move forward.
And now regarding the little part about bodybuilding that this whole thing has to do with. Right now in my life I’m not happy. I hate my job, I hate the Bay Area (except for GS Warriors…they are the best part), and I hate my situation in general, I hate the gyms here….and money is always an issue. So because I’m not happy, training and dieting stresses me out even more so therefore any hopes of building my dream body has come to a halt once again. So how do I fix that? Well…..moving somewhere less expensive, going to a gym I might actually like…moving out of the Bay Area and making a plan where money won’t be much of an issue anymore will make me happier. Happier Me = Doing things that make me happier (lifting). That’s my theory anyway…it’s really hard to do good things for yourself when you’re always unhappy. Unhappiness does not equal Big Val 😦
So wish me luck. Hopefully from here on out my stress could be reduced and all the circumstances that are hindering me from moving forward just stop.
(Please understand what I’m trying to do for us) – for him.