Second to only One

Is it possible to have so much contempt bordering on hate for someone who might not even know you exist yet their very existence has so much power over your future? Just woke up from a dream, ok it was more like a nightmare…it has left me depressed and sad. She doesn’t know it but her very existence bears so much weight on my future. Because of her i might not get married or have children or live a happy life. And she doesn’t know it. Its partially her fault, but how would she know it if no one tells her? I live on a constant state of unfullfilment and longing that will never go away as long as she is still in this world, but her existence will never change. She has dug such a huge whole in the part of my life that there is no possible way to remove her. Nothing she can say would release her from being my burden. I’m heart broken because of her. I wish i didn’t have to be so cryptic. I’m finding it hard to express how i feel without giving so much info away. I’m not talking about myself I’m honestly speaking about another woman who dictates the rest of my life if i can’t find it in my heart and soul to let go. That’s my only option…i have to let go of the part of my life that she has a hold on, but that will leave me without my other half of my soul. I’m pretty much just fucked in this situation. Even if she wasn’t in my dream i would still be depressed as i am right now. No matter what i will always only get a portion of what she will get no matter how wonderful a woman i am. I will always be second best. Love is a terrible emotion. Especially when it is involuntary and deep. If i could just find a way to stop loving and let go i could stop the pain. When you love someone what’s left on your heart is not an imprint..its an engraving. Its the most powerful of any possible emotions…bordering on evil if you seriously think about how much control you don’t have. That’s all..done being all secretive now


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