I Don’t want to be that Envious Fan

I’m a disaster!

In one word I can explain my current circumstances. DISASTER!! I’m all over the place. I’m conflicted and lost and most of the time I just shut it all out so that I don’t see what I am, but I’m getting so tired of closing my mind off to what the issue is…which just happens to be ME.

I’m not where I want to be in my dream phyisique. Not even close. I lack all the disciplines I once held true to. My diet is about 30% if you include the fact that sometimes I will go HOURS without a meal and other times I’m eating foods that I shouldn’t be eating. My training is at about 50%, I should be lifting 6 days a week and cardio 6 days a week. Only good thing is I’m getting back to where I was. There was a time I didnt go to the gym for weeks a couple months ago.  I’ve shut myself out from the world of bodybuilding and fitness so I wouldn’t see what others are accomplishing what I’m NOT accomplishing.  I’m fighting an uphill battle that my mind created. I understand and know damn well that change in the physique doesn’t happen over night, but there came a time when seeing not much progress after exerting myself just didn’t cut it anymore. I feel like my mind literally said “fuck this!!”

Don’t get me wrong..I NEVER stopped wanting my dream physique, not once, but all the things that kept me going..all those principles I had..left me. I could no longer wake my body up at 4:30am to go train, the idea of being in the gym pissed me off. I found excuses, “It’s too busy”, “there are no machines”, “i’m tired”, “I’m sore”, “I have no one to train me”, “there aren’t enough fbb shows” flooded my mind for months. I lost ALL my principles..everything that would guarantee that I would attain my dream physique. In other words…I was mentally broken. I still am technically. Somehow, somewhere I decided this was too hard, but it’s not. That’s just ME in my subconcious sabotaging myself. It’s left my devastated knowing that I am the reason for this block.

It absolutely does not help that everywhere I look to try to motivate myself by finding an end goal, there seems to be another show that will not honor female bodybuilding. IT FUCKING SUCKS!! I live in Cali this is the state where you would think you would find a ton of shows honoring all physiques….WRONG!! I think last I checked there were only 2 local shows that I could shoot for..and they are in San Diego and Culver City at the beginning of Fall/End of Summer.

I NEED  a goal..finding one is difficult as hell. I NEED a motivator.  I NEED discipline…I NEED SOMETHING!!!. I’ve never been one to be envious of anyone, but maybe if I were then maybe I would become successful.

I NEED to be on this stage (USA Championships 2013)

I NEED to be on this stage (USA Championships 2013)


One response to “I Don’t want to be that Envious Fan

  • Distant

    There is an old saying “The wind never blows in favour of a ship with no direction”. Does that help?

    Come to Australia. You would dominate the shows here. That much I am sure of.

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