I’m not sure I’ll ever understand

When it comes to relationships I’ve always told myself one thing ” I would rather be wanted than to be needed”.

I only want to be needed by my children, but as a partner as a love interested I want you to WANT me to be in your life emotionally, sexually, ect.  I want to be the best friend, the lover, I want to be the last thing you think of at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. I want the mere thought of me to bring a smile to your face. Now that’s not saying that we won’t fight or have relationship problems, but I want to be chosen.

On that note…I want to be wanted sexually. I strive to attain this physique for me and no one else, but it helps when your lover wants your physique and finds you as sexy as you find yourself. The past few weeks I’ve been battling with the fact that there are just very very very limited men who are normal who are interested in a woman with muscle.  Sure it is my belief that most men have some secret muscle desire, but honestly there are very very few men who actually desire female muscle and aren’t creepy perverts. I’m very picky with who I talk to or date. It’s much too difficult to find a normal guy who finds you and your muscle sexy and doesn’t want to do some muscle/strength worship thing with you. I’m human. I want someone who is sexually attracted to my muscle, sexually attracted to my personality, and sexually attracted to my mind. I want to be with someone who finds me sexy when I’m beating his ass in video games, and a man who finds me sexy when I just came back from the gym and my body looks abnormally muscular because of the pump I just got from lifting, but I also want someone who thinks I’m sexy while I’m cleaning, and reading and being goofy.

Sad truth is, apparently I’m asking for too much. I thought I had found men who fit my criteria (well at least the muscle lover criteria), but although there are men who love big/heavy set women and men who love very thin/big boobs women, I guess it’s just nearly impossible to find a man who loves muscle and isn’t a creep or says they love female muscle, but in reality they aren’t really specific in actually loving female muscle. I suffered a set back when a couple weeks ago I realized that men like this almost don’t exist.  It made me feel that I would never find that special someone. Totally sucks

That doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on my muscle. I have a muscle lust of my own. I find myself sexier and more appealing when I have more muscle. That will never cease. I either have to pray for my guy to come..or I’ll just have to suffer through it and realize that being alone just might be what I’m burdened with. Which is tough, because anyone who really knows me..knows I LOVE being around that one special someone. I’ma hopeless (hopeless being the key word) romantic.

 

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16 responses to “I’m not sure I’ll ever understand

  • TheOrangeMask

    This is a really heartfelt post. The fitness industry is something else, isn’t it? I’m sorry most guys are weirdos using you (or rather desiring to use you) as some sort of sexual conquest for a story over beers with the boys years from now. In a world where most Black women are obese, or suffering from diabetes, cancer or at risk for strokes, I say you’re doing the right thing, traveling the road less traveled and pushing weight to get your muscle up. I have to believe that there’s a reward for that outside of the physical benefits. I have to believe that outside the gym, some really good things emotionally and romantically will happen because of that. There are LOTS of men with one track minds out there—just the nature of men in general. But there’s a few rare ones, too, who are deeper. I pray you find your “he” when the time is right who can look beyond the muscle, and your win streak at video games (hahaha!) and see the inner woman.

  • Sean

    Hello. I just happen to come by your blog when I was searching the net. I don’t know if this might be chance or what. But I thought I give it a shot. I don’t want to maybe miss a chance here.
    My name is on the page you can see with my email address. I’ve always wanted to be with a female that is in bodybuilding. I read your one blog talking about the type 2 guy you’re looking for. I believe I could be your guy rare guy.
    I’m 6’7″, white male, 205 athletic lbs. Swimmers build. Very active in the gym and the outdoors. I’m a well rounded and a good looking guy. I’m serious and this isn’t a joke. If you’re interested in getting to know me, please send me a email. Take Care Sean

  • Mike Dynamo

    I’d just like to say that I would find you sexy if you were beating me at video games. In fact, I have a “Red Sonja Clause” that says I must marry the woman that does.

    … shame i’ll never happen 😉

    Rah Hahahahahahaha!

  • Howard Sams

    I don’t think it’s just men are necessarily shallow (funny that you don’t see many scalding hot babe females cozying up to average guys with average income). It’s you’re in the position of everyone of either gender who is at a physical extreme — very tall, very skinny, very fat, very muscular, very busty, very big booty, very pear, very anything.
    The instinctive response to anyone who is physically extreme tends to be extreme: attraction to the point of near obsession or worship or hate it to near-total revulsion. Whichever, it’s tough to get past that to the person inside the body. Because the body, that powerful attraction or repellent, is always there. It sounds weird, but in some ways, you might be better off doing a match.com or eharmony, but you talk and e-mail with a person for a while before you meet in person. That way, you connect on a deeper level before your overwhelming physical presence comes into play. I know a few successful relationships that began exactly that way.
    But your physique and love of muscle are part of who you are. It’s like being rich in that you never know completely for sure “hey, this person would be with me even if I wasn’t so muscular/loaded” unless you lose it all. Tougher, really, because you can hide being rich. You can’t hide your physique.
    Long-winded way of saying “Keep looking.” I know the same characteristic that allows you to build a massive physique is the same one that hurls all of you into a relationship, so relationship failures are harder on you than others. But if you don’t keep looking, you won’t find what you want.
    And when you do find what you want and you do attain happiness, it’ll be stronger and deeper than all but a few ever know.

    • chocolatemuscle

      That was very well said. Thank you. And yea you’re right in the sense that with people who have physical extremes you’ll always have the obsessive types just as you’ll have those types that are completely turned off. That made sense. I at this point. I’m just bitter, that’s the best way I can describe it. :-/ I’ll get over it (i hope) if things start to turn out better for me. Thanks for you comment 🙂

  • Distant

    I admire your passion, drive and dedication. You write with such openness and conviction too. If you were only in Australia (or I was in the USA), you’d be welcome to try and beat my ass in video games anytime 😉

    Keep at it though. Keep doing what you do, being strong, driven and inspiring. There is a man out there waiting for you who will long for and adore you every second you have together after you meet.

  • Earl

    Hello I’m Earl,
    I like what I read and can respect your point of view on dating and relationships, you may not agree with what I think but I found it deep and real. Romance with a beautiful smart black lady like yourself would be a dream that I can someday hope for, you know what you like and want that’s attactive. You have way more to offer a man other than just your muscles that’s what I admire about you, I think you made a new friend here in Michigan. I need a friends advice, I’m in a 5yr relationship with a young black lady who saw me looking at you flexing and she insulted me (called me gay), so I try to expalin you were a female bodybuilder she called me gross and ever since then I was hurt by her comments. I think cause of her weight she is a plus size woman, but doesn’t excuss her nasty behavior. I plan to end our relationship soon because so people don’t value a person like me until I move on.
    So sorry for writing so much about my probelms and hope you enjoy the read you don’t have to respond know your somewhere working hard I hope to dream about you as my wife thats a very good dream LoL

    Thank you for your time and stay bless
    Earl of Michigan
    xoxo

    • chocolatemuscle

      thanks Earl. that’s sweet. I have found that demographically regarding distaste of bodybuilding or muscular women that the African American woman teens to be the biggest hater. I’m not sure why this is, but that is my experience. And you’re better off not trying to change their minds. I do hope that this one conversation isn’t the reason you plan on ending your 5 year relationship. Good luck to you though

  • Matt

    Sometimes I really can’t believe a woman like yourself actually exists on the same planet as I do. Your post points directly at how beautiful you are on so many levels.

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