No more tears

I’m just going to put it out there. It is my blog after all.

For the last 2 years I’ve felt like I’ve been in a whirlwind. At a point in my life when I pretty much thought I would be alone and had accepted that that was my fate. I met someone. Someone who literally renewed new life in me. Someone who introduced me to the love and drive of my life. This person was responsible for my introduction to bodybuilding. Without even a second thought I fell hard for this person. So hard it blinded me to everything that person was. I’m a very logical analytical person. Though I was blind I constantly analyzed this feeling of love. IT WAS TRUE. Daily I seeked to see if it was truly any different than loving people in the past. And everytime I questioned it God gave me reassurance like I’ve never felt or read about. This was TRUE!

I was surprised. My eyes were open. Things I had never wanted before in my life constantly filled my mind. Marriage, a house, finishing college, having children….HAVING CHILDREN. I had told myself long ago that I would NEVER have children. I would never get the joy of carrying my own child in my body, raising it, watching it grow into a person that I influence. I knew that was never my fate…until this person. Involuntarily I began to want things. I even became closer to God. I spoke to Him more frequently, I felt more and more sure of all movements in my life. This person brought me God. He wouldn’t lie to me, He wouldn’t make me feel all these amazing emotions and GIVE me the knowledge deep in my heart that this person was made for me. I never voluntarily gave my heart away, but I knew the second it was gone that there was nothing left for anyone else.  Other men, other men became nothing but people. I lost all connection, they didnt resonate in my mind. I wanted, needed, loved no one else more than I have ever loved a person. This person was my other half. The part in me I had been missing. When he texted me, or called me…It fueled my whole day. I was a walking sunshine just because I knew him. He gave me a reason to believe that I could be a anything. That if my life had ended at any moment..that I would be at peace because I had met the one made for me. And that’s all I had been waiting for. He made me realize I COULD be a mother.

A mother…to someone. That I could have his children. When I first experienced this feeling I finally understood what a precious thing it was. For ME to bring a life into this world. A life that he and I would in the future create because of the love we have for God and each other. I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life

So to say that now….now that it’s over…now that I’ve been pushed aside… is heartbreak…wouldn’t begin to describe what I’ve LOST!.

I lost the one perfect feeling I have ever felt in my life!! The belief that one day I would be a mother is gone. Taken from me. The only thing that keeps me breathing is bodybuilding…without that…I would be nothing.

So if you’re wondering where my anger comes from, where my depression comes from…it’s because I’m not who I used to be. I’ve been crushed.  I’ve been stolen from. I’ve been lied to….

It’s sad to say…but I’ve been lied to by God. 😦

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One response to “No more tears

  • Distant

    God didn’t lie to you. God doesn’t lie. I have no place trying to second guess an intelligence older than time it’s self but possibly God is showing you that he has another purpose for you. I am sure you will have those things in life that you want so much, but maybe not yet. At risk of sounding preachy, life runs according to God’s timing, not ours.

    But look at you. You have amazing focus, drive and determination. You dedicate yourself to your discipline and embrace it passionately. While I only know you based upon the blog posts you write, I have absolutely no doubt that you will meet a guy who dedicates himself to you with equal passion.

    In the meantime, keep doing what you do. Keep doing all the things that make you the awesome person you are Val 🙂

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