So…to state the obvious…I’m a very private person.
I don’t write this blog for anyone else, but myself. i do it so that I can look back on my progress as a person, as a competitor, as an athlete of sorts and see how far I’ve come. Me being a private person I don’t share MYSELF with many people. Through my life I’ve always had friends and acquaintances but never anymore than one “person” at one time. I have a hard time fully connecting with people. I have high expectations on what I think a true friend should be. Most people either don’t fit my expectations or don’t fit ME. Your “person” (as they say in Grey’s Anatomy) is your BEST friend. The person you share your deepest and darkest desires, thoughts, obsessions, passions with and never have to fear judgement. In other words..they are the best you. They are the other connecting puzzle piece to your edges. Everyone needs a “person”. Someone to be there when they have horrible days and someone to be there when they just want to share anything with.
Probably dozens and dozens of times through the course of a day I find myself picking up my phone to see if my person has texted me or just to text my person about a thought I had. You can’t have a one-sided best friendship. Your person has to at least care about you almost the same way you care about them. If I have a happy moment..or an exciting thought..I would want my person to be happy for me too. FOR ME!! Well…I need to start being my own person now. Lately I’ve felt as though my joys are not my person’s joys…that my person isn’t genuinely happy or excited about the things I’m excited about. Which has left me feeling…useless. Yes..I know. It’s completely pathetic for one person to be able to crush me or make me feel less of a person, but it’s not something I can control. EVERYONE needs a “person”. So…from now on THIS BLOG..will be my “person”. Of course it will still only be bodybuilding/fitness, good thing is…that’s basically all I have to talk about..so it works in my favor. From now on I need to be my own cheerleader. I’m going to be posting a ton of mini posts…things I’m excited about. Because I NEED someone to talk to ..and although I’m not exactly writing to someone who will give me a reaction..at least I’m writing to someone I know will be as excited as I am. So I’m writing to myself.
So with that done….time for my first mini post….
So as we’ve already cleared several (many) posts ago..I’m terrified of the Step Mill. I haven’t done the stepmill in over a year. It scared the hell out of me then..and it scares the hell out of me still. And since I haven’t been on in over a year…that fear is still there. Only good thing is…I know I was able to conquer it before…so I know I can conquer it now.
So today for my 40 min cardio session after work…I got on that step mill and didn’t get off for 40 min. I even upped the speed to a level 3 for 15 min. EEK!! that was scary at first..especially cause I was reading my kindle..but I did it. yay!!! Tomorrow it will be another 40 min..probably faster this time, but next time I’m going to bring my water..cause I was DYING up there..lol.
I’m proud of myself for finally doing that again. I’m so lame..lol. I’m scared of the smallest and most simplest of things sometimes.