“Chest Day: Today I trained heavier with more reps than I’ve ever trained with a spotter. Today I was fueled by anger and disappointment. It was either train heavier or hit the mirror…I chose the more reasonable route”
That was my Facebook post after I trained this morning. I’m not sure how to completely describe how I felt, but it was sheer power. You would think that someone like me would LOVE that feeling. And for many reasons I absolutely loved it. Unfortunately for the most part I hated it.
My personal life has been a mess emotionally for some time now. And it’s been really tough for me mentally dealing with things. I’m a very passionate, decisive person, but I’m also a very GUARDED person. When I open myself up (especially involuntarily…by love..by fate.. or whatever) I’m that much more vulnerable to hurt. If I had to describe the way I feel most days..I’d say my heart is fully encased in black onyx. I’d even go as far as saying that over time it’s probably started to become rock in some places. I’ve become more distant and cold sometimes because of it. That’s why today even though the power of that anger that fueled me to train like the beast I always wish I would was present, I dont want to ever feel it again. I don’t want to be that angry person that I’m becoming.
I think Christina (Grey’s Anatomy) said it best on Season 6 Episode 13, when she explained to Owen what he did to her when told her not to accept a page from her boss for a surgery:
Cristina: Burke was- He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn’t even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would’ve married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I’m finally me again, I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again.
Yes..I know I’m a complete dork for referencing a fake tv drama, but I recently watched that episode and when she said those words..I finally understood what she meant. Of course I’m not going through the extent to which she went through, but the concept is the same. Little pieces of who I am have gone missing…leaving behind 2 people. 1 person who is completely dedicated, decisive and awesome (Big Val). The other is this hateful person who can barely crack a smile at times and who constantly allows herself and her open wounds to be further bruised.
The second person is a complete Bitch and I hate her. I hate her for being weak and allowing herself to become vulnerable to someone she loves. I hate her because she can’t let go. And I hate her because she lost herself. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never loved my entire self more than I love myself right now. I just hate Weak Val.
I never want to feel the power I felt today in the gym if it means I’ll be in pain mentally..emotionally… NEVER AGAIN. In the meantime though..while I am still feeling those emotions…I WILL use them to fuel my training. It’s the ONE good…GREAT thing I have going and I will focus all my attention on it.
That’s all I can do.
(PS. Sorry for the total emotional shit..lmao. I hate talking about my emotions, but I want to remember this day)