It’s becoming harder and harder to control…

WOW..it’s been a while.

So here is a short re-cap of what my bodybuilding plans are. So as some of you know..I was supposed to do my first bodybuilding show on August 13th(yesterday) in Anaheim, CA.  Needless to say that after much deliberation with myself and my coaches that plan was squashed about 4 weeks ago.   Yes genetically I’m big, but I’m lacking a ton of structure that would make me a competitor that would actually place well in a show.

In January I started prep to be a Figure Competitor..then in March when I met with my coaches for the first time they admitted to me that YES..they could do it, but it would not be the best thing for my body. Going from 160lbs of lean mass and trying to make me a Figure girl was going to be nearly impossible and losing that much muscle is just unhealthy.  So with excitement all around we decided I would be a bodybuilder!! Only thing I didnt consider prior to jumping on this journey is that I’ve NEVER bulked. That became the problem. Had I slowed my roll and had a mini bulking season..this whole situation would have ended better.

Being a female bodybuilder is alot more dificult than some would think. You can’t just say “I’m going to do a show in 6 months” and actually think that that’s going to happen. especially if you haven’t been lifting for mass for years on end. I have not been lifting for mass for years on end..I just happened to be genetically gifted with a size that most women dont have, but that does NOT mean that I dont have a long way to go.  You see..upon leaning out I was finding that the size I had was disappearing. I’m tall so that meant that my muscle was lean..not big..it was the fat that made me look all GINORMOUS. Yes I still have 15+ inch arms, but if I were to step on stage in the state I’m in.on’d come in last….EASILY. I dnot have the necessary muscle structure to place. it was hard to accept at first…but once I was told what I needed to do about it..I immediately perked up.

Ohh..you want to know what I was told that I needed to do?  oh…well stay tuned….

LMAO!!!!

So..my mood was immediately lifted…I’m finally going to be able to do the ONE thing that I’ve been looking forward to since I decided in March 2011 that I wanted to compete in bodybuilding.  I was told that I needed to have a 6 month bulking season. HOLLA!!!!   I’ve secretly been developing this complex over the past few months..one that conflicted with losing weight and gaining muscle, it kind of made it hard for me to accept leaning out. I’m not sure what it all entails, but I’m pretty positive I’m seeing the first signs of Bigorexia in me…HA HA HA (yes I’m serious, but it’s funny at the same time).

See My legs are pretty big....RIGHT? :-/

I still can’t bulk for another 2 months or until my coach believes that I’ve lost enough fat and have gotten down to a good bodyfat percentage. So I still have to wait..but that doesn’t mean my brain has accepted it. I’m constantly thinking about growing..and putting on mass..and developing my structure. I dream about it..talk about it..get stressed about it. I’ll have moments where I’ll be at work and I’ll have mini depressed moments where I walk by a mirror and and think “OMG..my legs aren’t big enough…OMG” . Then I’ll return to my desk and brood over it for several moments.

Sure it seems like me wanting to get bigger is causing mood issues in me, but I love it. It’s a passionate feeling..to me all my paranoia and mini depressing moments are proof to myself that there IS something that I want enough to fight for it..and that I WILL make this happen. I WONT let myself down and I WILL accomplish this. It gives me hope…so I’m happy 🙂 🙂

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2 responses to “It’s becoming harder and harder to control…

  • Marcus Langford

    Interesting thing about bodybuilding is rather you are trying to define your structure (as is your case) or build mass onto the pre-existing structure (as is my case) the frustration of doing so is emotionally taxing more so that physically taxing. After all, our physicality is mainly driven by our mentality and if the latter is not firing on all cylinders, the former will surely fall short of its best performance and production.

    I understand your plight very much, except on the other end of the spectrum. In the end, what does give me some sort of satisfaction, is that compared to how I looked just two years ago before I resumed training after a three year layoff, I am so far ahead…to the tune of 30 lbs and I am still experiencing growth. Much like yourself, I had big plans to resume competing this year after being away from the stage for nearly eight years but a little voice in my head told me that I needed more time. Despite what my clients, friends, and fellow gym-goers would say in terms of my being “ready”, I know that I am simply not…no, not yet! Sure, I could be competitive but I’d look the same as my 2004 showings and my goal is to come back to the stage and unveil something to the crowd and judges that would make them say “Oh, this guy is gonna win this show hands down!” and I am just not there yet but next spring, I plan to be where I want to be and the good folks will see Marcus v.2.0!

    I am pulling for you sis. You are one of a kind with the heart that would put most male bodybuilders to shame! I support your mission and as always I am wishing you nothing but success in this wonderful and sometimes ever-changing journey that we know simply as: Bodybuilding!

    • chocolatemuscle

      you’re soo well spoken. I love to read what you write.
      Thanks so much bro..i knew i wasn’t alone but i find that as much as i love my Figure/Bikini sisters it must be hard for them to understand where i’m coming from. I know they try and the only reason why i assume it’s hard for them to understand is because it took me a while (it’s still setting in) how different being a bodybuilder is..especially for a woman. I ran into bodybuilding with all guns firing..i never understood what i was getting into before i actually did it. i dont regret going in head on without thinking..i think it’s a great learning process..i just wish i had planned better.

      but no regrets. i’m good where i’m at and i’m excited to grow. this is going to be my THING and i plan to make myself an expert at it. Dont get me wrong..i’m ALSO trying to gain mass..ha ha..the only real way to gain a better structure is to gain more mass..so i’m in the same boat..i feel your pain. you’ll get there. you remind me alot of what you say about me. you’re determined and i’m looking forward to seeing you power your way to the stage in spring 2012. congratulations on the mass gain..i know you’re kicking booty and working on the mindset *hugs & kisses*

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